A Deep Darkness

by PadreJun 16, 2021

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Deep Dive

I have been writing a lot lately about being your true self. Last week I wrote about breaking Twitter guru rules and going to get a Monday through Friday job. This week, I am still stuck in this thought process, looking into dark deeps—the thought of being transparent and destroying expectations of me.

This week I want to shatter the expectation of strength. Not physical so much as mental. Maybe I am telling guy secrets or whatnot, but the truth of the matter is that men are not as simple as it seems. I know that I am not.

The expectation seems that we should be of their mind that we can fight back from anything. That nothing can bring a true man down. We are in charge of our emotions, and we should be able to take charge of our own mentalities without hesitation. If you cannot, then you are not trad or alpha, or whatever the hell else men are calling themselves now.

Dark Truths

The dark truth is we are not in control, and I am not in control. We just place it deep inside of us and process it from that level. We think, and worry, and stress, all with a smile on our face. We take you out, we play with the kids, we mow the yard, and we go on as if nothing is bothering us. We are performers. We know what is expected of us, and we know it’s what is wanted, so we perform. We become what they need us to be.

Most men do not know rather or not the world cares about the darkness inside of us. I don’t have the answer to that, but I feel as if the world does not, as long as we perform to expectation. More men are incarcerated, more men commit suicide, more men suffer from heart attack and stroke, men do not live as long as women. The reason is that we are darker on the inside than most could ever consider.

I look at my boys and wonder if they know what is coming. I wonder if I should tell them. Is this something you should warn about or let them figure out for themselves? I do not feel like they would actually believe me. Although my oldest is beginning to figure it out, I think.

Breaking the Norm

Somewhere at some time, this became the expected norm. Society says men should be this way, that we should suffer internally and not inconvenience others. We should not stress our wives and our children. We should carry the burden of our problems as well as the problems of those around us.

We should deal with our demons secretly, privately. We should not burden others with our own problems. It is not manly to admit that there is something that we can not handle. It’s wrong to reveal a helpless side of ourselves.

So, what do we do? We die a little on the inside. Day after day, year after year, a little more of our soul dies. Why do most men grow more bitter as they grow older? Most of their soul has long since rotted away.

The only place we show our pain outwardly is in our eyes. But honestly, who looks into anyone’s eyes anymore, at least with the intention of reading their souls? No one. We are too busy in our own lives in this technologically rushed world. And because of this, by the time I finish writing this article, and you finish reading it, another man will have blown all his problems out the side of his own head.

the Last Straw

I think most men have this ability pre-set in them. I also do not think it takes much to send most men over that ledge. We have a tremendous amount resting on us. Something somewhere is the final straw. I think there is something for each man that he just can’t handle anymore. Maybe it’s a lost financial empire; maybe it’s a lost family. The problem is that no man has any idea what that one thing is.

We can have a pretty good idea but will not know for sure until we experience it. For me, I think it would be the loss of my family. If I lost them, I imagine I would just wander off into the mountains somewhere and walk until I died. Being left alone, I would make sure I was alone when I died.

I know this one was dark this week, but I have been pondering dark thoughts lately. Not because I am stressed about any one thing, or because I am dealing with something, just that it is the deepest hallow thing to me. The mystery of what makes our minds work is known only at the hour of death.

And death is something we will all face one day.